So here I am, starting a blog, something I’d thought about doing for some time. Words, poetry, platitudes regularly plaguing my thoughts and sometimes, unwelcome. “I must start writing them down” often followed.
So here goes, this is it. And now I find it impossibly hard to answer the question you need to know, what’s this all about?
In May 2016, My Man, My Sweetheart, My Light was suddenly diagnosed with cancer. Just 48 hours before, he’d took himself off to hospital because that damn stomach ulcer medication just wasn’t touching it. “We don’t know what it is, so we’re keeping you in to run some tests”.
Dr Doom (as I quickly named him) then uttered the C word, which was one of their suspicions. “What? How could this be? They said it was a stomach ulcer?” I then spent the rest of the day and night sugar coating it (something I became an expert at) and telling My Love that it won’t be cancer. It will be something else and not to worry, everything will be just fine.
The next day they CT scanned him and put us on a ward where I anxiously flinched every time a doctor walked by (something I would come to do on a weekly basis in the months to follow). Funny how times and dates stick in your head as though it matters, but at 3pm Dr Doom walked in and drew the ‘soundproof’ curtains around the bed. “I’m afraid its bowel cancer and it’s spread to your liver and taken over most of it. It’s quite impressive”.
What followed went something like; dropping to the floor, autopilot, sobbing, visitors, tests, scans, flinching at passing doctors, paperwork, more sobbing, intravenous picc lines, sugar coating, cancer leaflets, appointments, a massive box of drugs, chemotherapy, hope, questionable faith, strength and determination.
“I’m gonna fight this, love, I’m not going yet”. He said, as I soaked the shoulder of his favourite t-shirt with my mascara strewn tears.
On 26th September 2016 at 4:40am, My Sweetheart couldn’t fight anymore and passed away peacefully, gracefully and still as beautiful as the first day I saw him. I lay beside him, holding his hand. He chose then to leave this life and with it, he took a great big piece of my heart.
So I guess that makes me a widow. We weren’t married but if we were it wouldn’t have made me love him any more than I already do. So I’m on this journey that I never wanted to take. I don’t know where it’s going but I’ll try to look out the window and I’ll try to admire the view……
My blog is dedicated to life, love and death.
In loving memoirs for My Sweetheart.