7th May

Just 1 year ago today He was diagnosed and it’s already been 7 months since He’s been gone.  I don’t think I will ever get over, or accept the speed at which cancer can take a young, fit and beautiful man in a matter of months.  It’s an impossible truth that I don’t want to believe, don’t want to be real, don’t want to be ours.  I’ve been dreading today, this anniversary, when 1 year ago today, life changed forever.  I owe it to my man, to keep on fighting, keep on dreaming and keep on living.  To lead a life he would be proud of me for and be the best version of myself, that he taught me to strive for. To keep looking forwards, even though every part of my being is tugged to that day, in some attempt to process the impossible.  I know tomorrow is never promised, but tomorrow I will fight again.  Today, I lament our fate.

Smacked in the face with another event

The grief train is as punctual as ever, chugging along with its repetitive rasp.  Why can’t it pause at the last stop or take a wrong turn?  After all, the driver is a learner.

But no, it has a timetable and at the moment, it’s sticking to it.  Today is Easter Sunday and as I sit here contemplatively shouving chocolates into my mouth, I wonder why you haven’t risen again? If it was possible to rise again based on love alone, you’d be here.  You’d be here, tenfold.

C’mon Sweetheart.  There’s chocolate to be eaten.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  There’s wine to be drunk.

First blog post – six months today

Six whole months since I lost My Sweetheart.  I try so hard not to put too much emphasis on dates and milestones.  We live our lives in one direction and that’s forwards, we don’t live in loops and therefore six months in should bear no significance, than any other day that I am without him. But saying this is one thing, feeling it is another.  Yet another sunrise on a day that he is not part of, that distance between us growing further.

Six months since he left me before dawn.  But with every sunrise and sunset, his luminous light remains.